Couples have second thoughts on love, attend premarital counselling

PUNE: They had been engaged for over a month, and in love for two years. But something told this interior decorator that she needed to rethink her decision to marry her engineer boyfriend. A few intense sessions of premarital counselling later they decided against it. "We were way too different," she says in retrospect. "Love can only take you this far.Our family backgrounds didn't match, neither did our value systems. Sure, he was angry, and our parting was not amicable. But now, he is married, and I think everything worked out for the best."
Even as the tumult and chaos of a transient society has divorce rates going through the roof, the demand for premarital counselling is slowly but steadily on the incline. Marriage bureaus and counsellors say that over the last three-four years, an increasing number of couples are convinced of the rationale of preparing for holy matrimony, in much the same way they would prepare for a career: with thought, planning, and a close deliberation over what the term 'adjustment' encompasses.
Psychologist and counsellor Gauri Tatke says that while 70% of the couples who come to her are pondering over whether or not they should take the plunge, there are a few who are already engaged and just looking to smoothen the journey. "Most of these couples are well-heeled and highly educated. Many of them live away from their homes and are used to living alone. Hence, the apprehensions: Should we get married? How much will I have to adjust?… so on and so forth," she says. "As a counsellor, I play the role of a sounding board. I never give a verdict, just indicate my inclination-and discuss the pros and cons involved. Roping in the parents of the couple is a desired option."
There are couples who tend to approach their marriages in much the same way they would their professional lives. "This is where we come in - to point out the differences between the real and the ideal," says Tatke. "However, most couples would rather not have open-ended questions to deal with in the years to come. They want several pertinent questions settled then and there. Are they to stay alone or with the in-laws? How are finances to be managed? When should they have children?… and so on. This, they believe, will minimise chances of future conflict."
An IT professional, who is pondering over whether or not tie the knot with a long-standing classmate, believes it's sound logic to have the creases ironed out now. "Honestly, I don't want to live with the in-laws," she says. "That does not mean, however, that I will not do my duty. I just hope our counselling sessions are able to communicate that fact."
A software engineer, who just got engaged, hopes that over and above everything, premarital counselling will give him an insight into the mindset and aspirations of today's young woman. "I don't have a sister, you see. And few female friends right through college. These sessions afford me a chance to understand my fiance."
Rajendra Bhavalkar, proprietor of a leading marriage bureau in the city says as many as 30% of the couples who approach the bureau opt for premarital counselling, which is of two types. "The first entails giving individuals and parents looking out for suitable proposals, a reality check on their aspirations and expectations. Considering the limitations of searching a partner from one's own community, a question that would arise is: Should they broaden their horizons and consider inter-caste options as well. Similarly, how particular are they about a prospective groom and bride meeting the criteria of height, weight, complexion, education and so on?"
The second type of counselling involves giving engaged couples and their parents a flavour of what marriage means for everyone - the individuals as well as the families. "We also have sessions for the in-laws on the difference between guidance and interference, creating a healthy and supportive atmosphere in the family for the new entrant, etc," says Bhavalkar.
While Gauri Kanetkar, proprietor of another marriage bureau, says that as high as 40% of their clientele attend their ongoing sessions for premarital counselling. "We deal with assorted issues, ranging from finances to the appropriate manner in which to communicate one's wishes to dealing with in-laws," she says.
The length, pace and agenda of the sessions are typically established by the couples.